Generally, I do think that most movies have at least some redeemable qualities.  Maybe just one big one.  Or maybe they’re awesomely bad and fun to mock.  That’s a redeemable quality.  However, there are some films that just are not worth your time.  I’ve seen them…or tried to watch them and failed miserably because they made me physically uncomfortable with how bad they were.  And here’s my short list of more recent films, which obviously doesn’t encompass all of them.

 

  •  Sleep Paralysis – Ten minutes.  That’s how long I could stand this film, and the premise sounded very interesting.  The camera work is awkward in a way that makes the viewer feel embarrassed on behalf of the movie
  • The Hills Have Eyes (2006) – I turned it off after twenty minutes.  I really didn’t see the point.
  • Wolf Creek – When I spend the entire length of a film screaming “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!” with a dirty martini in one hand, it means you need to stay away from it.  Far, far away.
  • Horsemen – Very, very interesting…until the end renders the rest of the movie completely pointless.   Completely.  You will want to steal a TARDIS and get those two hours of your life back, and you’ll be willing to ditch a hot Doctor to do so.
  • The Last House on the Left (2009) – Torture porn is so 2005.  And really…that’s all this is.  It does have the whole righteous anger killing thing going, but it’s not like Taken.
  • The Grudge – By which I mean any (ANY!) of the American versions.  And for those not aware, yes, there are three American movies.  Because I couldn’t stand the open-ended Grudge 2, I forced myself to watch the third.  You really don’t want to make the same mistake.  Just trust me on this one.
  • Saw VI – I got through this with rum and much yelling at the television.  When I’m annoyed enough to start picking apart a film’s violations of the laws of physics, you’ve done something terrible.  And yeah…rum helps.  But just like the Grudge, I can’t leave a story arc unfinished, which means they really need to stop making Saw movies.  For me.   Please.  Stop.
  • The Final Destination – Ow, my eyes.  Ow, my brain.  Ow, my wasted three dollars in On Demand cable. 

 

The list, of course, goes on…and I’m sure I’ll force myself to watch Saw 3D just so that I don’t have to worry about the end of the story.

 

Fortunately, the new thing in Hollywood is ripping off Swedish movies.  I guess Japanese horror got old.  Sweden is so hot right now.