Welcome to one of the millions of delightfully unofficial documents written by folks somehow touched by the philosophies of Discordianism.  This movement, which began in the 1960’s and picked up speed in the digital age, is named for the goddess Discordia (Eris in the Greek).  She’s the one who didn’t get invited to a big to-do wedding among the gods.  Never aggravate a goddess of chaos, however.  Knowing that the attending goddesses would crawl all over each other, Discordia tossed a golden apple into the crowd, an apple that proclaimed it was “For the fairest”.  Anyway, Juno, Minerva, and Venus fell in like over-caffeinated roller derby brutes, but when an idiot sheperd awarded the apple to Venus (big surprise), the result was the Trojan War.

Enjoy the Dow of Mouseloaf.

In which Queen Pepsishark IX and the Magnificent Gookoo encounter the goddess Eris, lately also called Discordia, and learn that in a universe of milk and chaos, only Mouseloaf remains true.

Pepsishark once thought that if there were an operative principle in the universe, it would be milk. Gookoo thought Pepsishark was a little eccentric, but then again she didn’t have any better ideas. Since Gookoo believed that people who didn’t have any better ideas should just shut up, that’s what she did.

Mouseloaf is perhaps the most remarkable substance known to humanity and in the universe itself. Being a food, a building material, a toy, a cultural rallying point, a political pawn, and an engineering phenomenon, Mouseloaf is an astounding success, considering its origins as a use for dead mousies. Mouseloaf or what has been called Mausloaf Kultur began in the Paramus, NJ kitchen of a man known only as Unca Louie. His idea for the something that could be anything has conquered the world. Two competitors, Slice O’ Mice and Mooseloaf, have tried to capitalize on Mouseloaf mania but failed so miserably that the Society of Suicidal Lemmings was formed from dismissed employees.

As far as Pepsishark and Gookoo knew, Unca Louie bumped into Eris just before putting Mouseloaf onto those first few lucky shelves. Eris showed Louie Chaos and the Holy Chao, and in seeing Chaos and the Holy Chao, Louie figured there would pretty much be room in the universe for anything, including loaves of mice. Eris was much pleased with Mouseloaf and granted Unca Louie a stick of cinnamon gum and the title Swell Pepsishark I.

Now Pepsishark IX was Unca Louie’s direct descendant in the Mouseloaf Empire. What happened to Pepsishark II through VIII is either unknown or unimportant. At her side went the faithful Magnificent Gookoo.

“I lament,” Gookoo said.

“You lament what, exactly?” replied Pepsishark.

“I lament that in a universe swimming in Chaos, order seems irrelevant.”

“Irrelevant?” Pepsishark tweaked Gookoo’s nose. “Don’t be a silly. Order is a defining instrument of Chaos. Order is what makes Chaos. Without order, Chaos would be nothing but Mouseloaf.”


“A loaf of mouse.”


Pepsishark and Gookoo jumped the fence and played a round of mini golf in the snow. It was an exercise in futility. After all, as it was Winter, the golf course was technically closed. No one was around to care if Pepsishark and Gookoo just dropped their golf balls into the holes and attain terrific scores. There was no one to reward their great talent with goldfish or stuffed dogs drinking beer.

Then in the parking lot, they happened upon an apple fashioned of gold. Let us point out that this is not a regular occurrence in our corner of the universe. Anyway, on the apple were the words “For the fairest”.

“That wouldn’t be me,” Gookoo said.

“Me neither. So what do we do with it?”

“Dunno.” Gookoo kicked at a patch of ice. “Sell it?”

“It’s probably just gold-plated,” Pepsishark said.

“You have a remarkable talent for spotting the valueless.” Gookoo took a step towards the apple oddity. “I like Red Delicious myself.”

Here ends the Dow of Mouseloaf as it has been revealed thus far. You could go back to the beginning and read it again, since beginning and ending are arbitrary anyway.