I was laughing so hard that I’d become a geyser of popcorn and Mountain Dew.

You see, I’m what they call “low maintenance”. Yes, I wash regularly, thank you, but I don’t go in for all the goofy hair products and sealing waxes for extinguishing skin imperfections. I figure I am what I am and that’s what I am and that’s that.

Anyway, you can imagine how much of a grain of salt I take with my corporate advertising. That’s where the geyser comes in.

It was a commercial done in all seriousness extolling the virtues of a “new” body wash made with…yogurt. Well, of course. I mean we all know the intrinsic value of having yet ANOTHER body wash on the market. And this one wastes food at the same time.

Later on, though, I had a thought. Yogurt is made from milk. Milk is a byproduct of blood. And who used blood as a treatment for fairer skin but Erzebet (Elizabeth) Bathory, the Blood Countess of Cachtice Castle. 

Making a long and twisted story short, Bathory had hit one of her servants so hard that the woman’s blood splattered Bathory’s skin. Later, the Countess noticed that her skin seemed softer and more beautiful where the blood had landed. Having no one to answer to as a member of the highest aristocracy, Bathory went on a murderous rampage, slaughtering peasant women and her servants so that she might bathe in what she believed was a rejuvenating cocktail.

Back to the yogurt body wash. Is it possible that the creators of this “breakthrough” were on some level replicating Erzebet’s regime from the 16th century? Do blood and yogurt possess the same skin-refreshing chemicals? What other stories from around the world exist to attest to blood as a beauty product?

And so, today’s theory is that the good corporate rodents manufacturing yogurt body wash may have heard the tale of the Blood Countess, which in turn gave them at least the notion of using a blood byproduct.