I am annoyed.  There is far too much idiocy on the Internet.  No, this isn’t anything new or surprising, but sometimes I run across so much idiocy on a single subject that I feel the need to beat some sense into everyone.  Of course, since this is the Internet, I can’t.


 But if you’re free to put your claims out there, I’m free to bitch about their inaccuracy and lack of logical insight.


I’m not going to provide any links because I don’t want to give these particular sites any more traffic, but lately I’ve run across a boatload of articles about the brainwashing conspiracies behind Disney, pop music, and so forth…all backed by either the Illuminati or the Freemasons.  For some reason, people who write this sort of thing think the two names can be used interchangeably.  Probably because they’re so busy trying to keep their kids from watching the Lion King that they can’t be bothered to open a book or perform a Google search.


Just to show the Internet how incredibly easy it is to find basic facts, I will now direct you to the first link that shows up when I Google each of these terms.






All of that effort, including the effort of putting the links into this piece, took me less than sixty seconds.  While Wikipedia is often a questionable source, it still illustrates my point:  this information isn’t all that hard to come across.   The words “Illuminati” and “Freemason” should not be used interchangeably simply for the purposes of accuracy (and credibility, if you’re going to go around claiming that we’re all being brainwashed by Tuna Helper, or whatever). 


If you’re not offended enough yet, just wait.  There’s more. 

I’d like to take a moment here and focus on the conspiracy theories behind Freemasonry.  Freemasons are often blamed for….well, pretty much everything, and they’ve been the Big Bad Guys in plenty of Hollywood productions.  They make good scapegoats, after all.  The Freemasons aren’t really all that secret anymore, and a lot of information can be found floating around about them, but they still tend to view discussing certain aspects of their order in the public eye as a bit disrespectful.  You know what other groups do that?  University fraternities.  They’ve got secret initiations, handshakes, passwords, and all that sort of thing.  To top it off, many university fraternity alumni currently hold positions of power in a variety of industries.



Anyone know any frat boys?  Anyone think frat boys are secretly plotting to take over the world and enslave us all?  Yeah, that’s what I thought.  Kinda contradicts the idea that all fraternities with elements of secrecy are up to terrible, unthinkable things.


Now to bring up more very easily found information.  We all know about the Shriners, right?  They wear little hats and drive around in tiny cars and run hospitals that offer top-of-the-line care for  children.  For free.  The only requirements are that the individual is under 18 and can be treated.


Everybody loves the Shriners, right?  They do nice things.  They help kids.  Their hospitals are modern, gorgeous, and staffed by some of the best doctors you’ll ever find.


So let’s get this straight, conspiracy theorists:  All Freemasons are evil.  And here’s where the basic logic comes in.  Shriners are afilliated with Freemasons.  See what I did there with the incredibly lazy searching for information available to anyone who can use a computer again?


Here’s my question to you who think that the Illuminati/Freemasons/Martians/Harry Potter books are out to get us all:  why aren’t you up in arms about the Shriners, too?  Is it because they openly perform great charitable works?  Is it because they love kids?  What makes the Shriners free of your world domination rants and incessant Bible quotes?   And if the Shriners are okay…why do you get to keep hammering in all of this stuff about the evil, sneaky Freemasons?


Then again, for all you folks in the tin foil hats know, I’m helping the Illuminati.  I mean, according to Facebook, I’m a member of something called the Transcontinental Pimpin’ Society.  That’s kinda the same thing, right?