Monthly Archives: December 2009

New Moon – A Condensed Film Parody, Part II

 You’ll recall (or not) that the end of Part I left off just after Edward the Vampire had ungraciously dumped his mortal girlfriend, Bella in the middle of the forest…FOREST – LATERBELLA is still on the ground in a semi-conscious and crack-deprived state. A man with a big burly naked chest kneels down and picks her up.AUDIENCE: WOO! Naked man chest!!TEAM JACOB: Is that Jacob? IS THAT HIS CHEST?CHARLIE AND SEARCH PARTY: Oh, Sam, thank goodness you found her! I was worried! So worried that I didn’t even think to trace her cell phone! Even though I’m the only policeman this town has!WIG!JACOB: (smiles and winks at the audience) Here I am, girls!TEAM JACOB: Ugh. It’s Wig!Jacob. And he’s wearing a shirt. Peh!REST OF THE AUDIENCE: Yeah, what good are you, anyway?CHARLIE: Sam, I’ll take her now.SAM, owner of the burly naked man chest seen earlier, hands BELLA’S limp and lifeless body off to CHARLIE who in turn staggers and almost drops her.CHARLIE: (wheezes) Thanks! (red-faced) If you’d just cut to the next scene now, that would be great.DEPRESSION MONTAGEBELLA sits in a chair and looks out the window for two months straight while the audience experiences the changing of the seasons by way of awesome special effects involving a camera on a carousel.AUDIENCE: (greenly) Ugh, all the spinning is making me SICK! Please stop!PORT ANGELES – MOVIE THEATERJESSICA: That movie was pretty dumb and that girl really needs a different hair color with her and her ugly boyfriend with the special effects of the meerkat manor and I can’t stand those Backstreet Boys and their tartan scarves like in the Harry Potter movies with all the wands and stupid Scottish soccer players of weirdness…..Bella? Are you listening to me?BELLA has noticed some skeezy motorcycles and their skeezy owners in an alley.BELLA: (lower lip wobbles) That was the same alley where I almost got sexually assaulted. (sniffles with nostalgia)FLOATING EDWARD HEAD appears next to Bella.AUDIENCE: AUGH! (jumps in surprise and spills popcorn all over the place)FLOATING EDWARD HEAD: Bella, don’t even think about going down there. Those guys are skeezy! It’s dangerous!AUDIENCE: Yikes! This is worse than Colin Firth’s disembodied head in the mirror! Why do I keep WATCHING these movies?BELLA: Woah. I can conjure up visions of my ex boyfriend’s head by risking my life. Sweet!! I’m going to risk my life some more right now!!BELLA approaches the SKEEZE in the alley and rides off on the back of a SKEEZY GUY’S motorcycle. FLOATING EDWARD HEAD keeps appearing. He shakes his transparent head and clicks his tongue in disapproval. BELLA: Ugh, you’re driving me crazy. Fine! I’ll stop. Hey, Skeezy Guy, (taps him on the shoulder) would you kindly drive me back to my friend whom I left standing alone on the street? You will? How nice of you!AUDIENCE: Yeah right. This would have been an episode of Law and Order: SVU in real life. […]

By |December 3rd, 2009|MyBlog|1 Comment|

New Moon – A Condensed Film Parody, Part I

 This parody was born of one of the most amusing movie-going experiences of my life.  I went to see New Moon for purely MST3K reasons and I was not disappointed in the least.  Many thanks to our own Darth Sweetums, whose crackling commentary contributed greatly to anything that’s remotely funny herein.   Incredibly enough, the audience responses […]

By |December 3rd, 2009|MyBlog|2 Comments|

Franchise Concert Tours – Where’s the Star Trek?

 This article was written in late November, but due to issues around the holiday was not able to be published before the end of the month.Darth Sweetums emerged victorious from NaNoWriMo, and we are proud of her and of all our Chicas who completed that mammoth task. ~ The Management  I am taking a […]

By |December 2nd, 2009|MyBlog|1 Comment|

Impress The Mighty Thor With Your Knowledge of Icelandic! For Free!

 This may come as a surprise, given the recent deluge of Classical content in my posts, but I’m absolutely obsessed with Norse Mythology. Obsessed. Granted, this might have more to do with Thor (and Marvel’s latest takes on his character–Ultimate Thor makes my knees weak!) than it does with the rest of the mythology, but the fact remains that the history, myths, and culture of the Vikings and Norsemen is beyond cool.  Of course, the sources for all this Viking goodness are unfortunately written in a language that is not my first. Sure, I could go pick up translations, but if there is one thing I’ve learned studying Classics, it’s that translations are incredibly variable, and the best answer whenever possible is to read things the way they were written originally! Get as close to the original sources as possible, and have a field day.  My friends and readers, I present you with a gift. Thanks to the internet and what I’m sure is a brilliant marketing scheme to increase tourism to Iceland, you can now learn the language of the Norse Sagas! That’s right! You, too, can learn Icelandic, FOR FREE, online! […]

By |December 2nd, 2009|MyBlog|0 Comments|

World of Warcraft and Wish-Fulfillment Fantasy

  Last night I babysat a friend’s 10-year-old daughter at my house. I have two sons, no daughters, so my house is full of boy stuff. And kids get hard to entertain when they reach the tween years. She was kind of bored. She listened to her MP3 player, noodled around on my piano, pulled out some of my old toys and played with them. I finished my evening chores and booted up World of Warcraft. She came over to watch. I was playing my shaman, doing a quest where I had to identify traitors in a keep. I have this orb I can use to find the traitors. Wouldn’t it be nice to have an orb like that in real life? After I find a traitor, guess what I do? KILL him, of course! The friend’s daughter watched with mild interest as I executed my McCarthyist mission. Then I shifted my character into wolf form, and she perked up. “Whoa! How did you do that?” she asked. I showed her the ability. She asked if the class you choose to play affects what things you can change into. I said yes and told her the druid was the ultimate shapeshifting class. I logged in my druid and showed her how I could turn into a bear, a lion, or a bird that can actually fly. Then I showed her my shaman’s ability to summon spirit wolves, and my priest’s rideable white dragon.  Well, that was it. She wanted to play herself. I let her create a new character on my account. Originally, she wanted to make a druid, but there are only two races available for druids, tauren and night elves, and neither appealed to her much. Then she clicked on the blood elf and gasped, “She’s so pretty!” Forget the druid–she wanted to be a blood elf! I steered her towards the hunter class because clearly she liked animals, and a hunter gets to choose any animal in the game to be her pet. “Do they use bows?” she asked. I said yes, they did, and apparently that was a selling point, because she decided on the hunter. While the the WOW population is mostly male, the game has been very successful at luring in women gamers. A lot of the reason for that is that the game is social and cooperative. But Blizzard also gets a lot of mileage out of other details, like companion animal fantasy. I enjoy many aspects of the game, but there are two things in particular that really lift my spirits. One is summoning my shaman’s wolves: […]

By |December 1st, 2009|MyBlog|4 Comments|