I’ve been reading all of the reviews of last night’s telecast. I feel possessed to write my own in the same style. Please forgive me the cheese.


I will now give after-the-fact commentary in a completely incomplete and disjointed way. (Note, I haven’t seen ANY of the movies up for Best Picture. Weeeeheee!!!)


Big DressDarth Sweetums and I watched the Oscars in reverse this year. We entered at the art direction awards and therefore got to see Daniel Craig *rawwr* and Sarah Jessica Parker in her enormous dress. I thought she looked lovely with her soft non-scraggly hair (what is UP Jessica Biel?) and well-fitted dress. It was huge, but it’s the Oscars! And I think if your movie makes over $100 million that year, you get to wear the biggest dress you possibly can to the awards ceremony.


Soon after that was the Beyonceelicious ‘The Musical is Back’ extravaganza. Now, remember, I hadn’t yet seen Jackman’s killer opening number (more on that later), so I was quite dismayed when this horrific and clumsy medley happened right before my eyes. Amanda Seyfried? Zac Efron? Couldn’t you get, like, Catherine Zeta-Jones or John Travolta or even Ewan McGregor for this? Wow. 


Isn’t it possible to get a musician with some skillz to write a medley that actually….meddles? Blends together? And a decent choreographer? I was so not impressed. In fact, I was distinctly uncomfortable throughout and I felt terrible for all involved.


I had to laugh at the end though, when Jackman announced triumphantly, "The Musical is back!" and one of my Oscar party pals said, "Ooo, I think they just killed it."


But, all was explained when Jackman swiftly credited Baz Luhrman with the ‘creation’ of the medley monstrosity. Me and my party pals turned to one another with knowing looks and ‘Ah, that’s why it sucked’ comments. It was as if Hugh couldn’t stand that we might think that it was his fault.


Thankfully, we moved on.


Ben Stiller was kind of funny with his mocking interpretation of Joaquin Phoenix’s most recent turn to insanity and I was really impressed with Natalie Portman’s ability to keep a straight face throughout his schtick. However, I was bummed out that they had to be ridiculous through a perfectly normal award that deserved some respect. I mean, if they could have done some cinematography jokes for the cinematography award I would have appreciated it. A jerky ‘make fun of someone who isn’t here’ joke was in poor taste. Maybe I could have forgiven it if it had been funnier.


However, I didn’t have to wait long for the funny. Steve Martin and Tina Fey did a wicked screenplay skit that made us laugh for real. See, screenplay jokes with the screenplay award! This is how it’s done.


I also really loved Tina Fey’s dress. Thank heavens she had her hair done, too.


The medley of Best Original Song nominees was actually fun for me. I was a little weirded out that they asked John Legend to take the place of Peter Gabriel (who wouldn’t perform because they needed his song clip to be 90 seconds or less). However, Legend was quite wonderful and I had to admit that I would like my own recording of him singing the entire song! ("Down to Earth" from Wall*E.) I was a bit bummed that it didn’t win, but that’s mostly because I’m a raging Thomas Newman fan. I continue to hold out for his Oscar win. One day. *sigh*


However, I really think that the music from Slumdog deserved the win this year.


It was fresh and fun and did it’s part in making the movie more popular. I can’t count how many times I’ve heard ‘I really need to buy that soundtrack’ from folks who have told me they’ve seen the movie. That’s the mark of good score and songs, people.


Special Effects was another slightly disappointing win for Button. I think I begrudged Button all of its nominations and wins in a completely petty and irrational way. I know, I haven’t even seen the movie! But why should I when all I hear is that it’s Forrest Gump: Retreaded? FG won a lot of the same awards that Button won last night (as well as a few heftier ones). My thought is, why should it win them again? I know it’s silly, but there you have it.


I guess I was just hoping for some more love for The Dark Knight.


I’m not a raging fan of this movie like some other people I know. However, I thought it was a brilliant script and story packaged in a stunning visual spectacle of awesome. Just what a movie should be! The effects were jaw-dropping and went above and beyond anything that was done in Batman Begins. I was proud to see it win for Sound Editing, but I was a bit irritated that it lost in almost all of it’s other categories. Except for that one other one…what was it? I don’t remember.


Anyway, we were finally heading toward the end of the show. It was really great to see Jerry Lewis win a humanitarian Oscar. The only surprise was voiced by Sweetums, who said "I can’t believe they haven’t given him one before now!" You’d think. The dude has raised over $2 billion for MS research and care. Did he have to hit the double billion mark before they’d give him a big fat award? I’m not sure.


We moved on in the tributes, but this time it was for those who passed away in 2008. Now, I’ve heard nothing but cranky harping about the memorial reel, and I have to add my voice to the harping. The direction throughout was atrocious. Instead of letting us watch the reel and listen to Queen Latifah sing, we were forced to try to watch both at the same time, which made it nearly impossible to read who was actually being honored by the reel!!


However, I’m bummed that Queen Latifah isn’t getting some love for her WONDERFUL performance of "I’ll Be Seeing You."  


She was in fantastic voice and did the song and all the lilty high notes some serious justice. I was proud of her and bummed that her awesomeness will get lost in the crappy directing fall-out.


Kate WinsletI got happy again really soon though. I was so delighted to see our lovely Goddess of a Kate Winslet win her freaking award already. (Her hairdo rather terrified me at first, but then grew on me like fungus…a really glamorous fungus.) But really, you just can’t beat her gorgeous face and candid demeanor. I love that lady from afar and I got a little choked up when her dad let out that ear-piercing whistle to let her know where he was. My dad totally would have done the same thing. In my opinion, her speech was the best of the night, off the cuff (or extremely well-rehearsed) and complete with an ice-breaking and complimentary Meryl Streep joke that made all of her fellow nominees genuinely laugh. Go girl!! No, I probably won’t ever see The Reader, but I just know you deserved your little heavy gold statue.


The rest of the evening was definitely unsurprising, but I have toDanny Boyle, with his Oscar admit that I really like Danny Boyle and the entire Slumdog crew. They were all a bit star-struck, and I admired them for it. It made me glad that they won. There wasn’t any smugness, any preaching, or any ‘I have years of experience’ in their attitudes. It was just refreshing gratitude and joy, which was really nice to see.


After all was said and done and we watched the freaking hilarious Jimmy Kimmel/Tom Cruise commercial (haha!!), we turned on our creaky VHS recording of the first hour of the Oscars, which we had missed.


Hugh Jackman, why are you so hot? Why do you have such perfect hair? Why are you so comfy with everyone in the world? Why are you so easy to love to pieces?


I was  knocked over by his hilarious opening number and non-monologuey monologue that we went back and watched the entire thing again. I was so impressed with whoever had the brilliant idea to get Anne Hathaway up there with him. "Oh, Nixon!" And when he sang to Kate Winslet about human excrement? Yeah, I laughed. Then, at the very end when he belted at the top of his lungs "I’ll RENT The Reader! I’m WOLVERIIIIIIIIIINE!" I thought we would die.

 Hugh Jackman

But, I have to say that I loved how he chatted up the first row afterwards just as much as the actual number.  He’s just so comfortable with people and I don’t think there’s a person in the world who doesn’t like him. That’s why he’s a great host. There’s no possibility for controversy or bad feelings. He’s just an awesome guy, and yes, he is Wolverine! What more could you want? 


So to all the cranky reviewers who are talking smack about his hosting job and the telecast in general? I say "Shut the heck up."


I loved it when Danny Boyle got up and complimented the show during his acceptance speech for Best Director. Yay! Way to go! But don’t take his word for it. Entertainment Weekly got some great candid compliments on record including:

The Reader director Stephen Daldry to EW after the show: "Thank God Kate [Winslet] won. The show was brilliant. Ten times better than usual."


Best Actor presenter Sir Ben Kingsley, overheard after the show while waiting for his wife to show up to the Governors Ball: "Everyone got their moment in the spotlight. It was really wonderful."


So, HA! *sticks out tongue* (My favorite overheard moment from that list is Robert Pattinson’s toward the bottom. I LOL’d.)


Best Thing about the New Format: The awesome low stage and close seating. I loved the fact that the actors were closer, had less distance to walk, and that Hugh Jackman could sit in Frank Langhella’s lap without having to go too far.


2nd Best Thing about the New Format: They didn’t interrupt acceptance speeches and try to hurry the winners off stage. I found that the speeches this year were (for the most part) just the right length and heartfelt. That’s what happens when you don’t embarrass and stress out the winners.


Worst Thing about the New Format: The on stage screen seemed too small. I also didn’t get the pile of junk behind Daniel Craig and SJP during the Art Direction awards.


 Worst Presenter of horrific, insulting, rage-inducing DOOM!!: Bill Maher when he hatefully presented for Best Documentary. Honestly, that guy is such a jerk and a leech. This really has nothing to do with the topic of his own documentary. It’s just because of his presentation which managed to make EVERYONE uncomfortable. I felt bad for the winner. Ugh.


Best Dressed Lady: I’ve got to go with Kate Winslet. She was smokin’


Worst Dressed Lady: Darth Sweetums and I had a moment during the Supporting Actress presentation. The camera panned from left to right over the presenters. We saw Whoopi Goldberg and said "Yeeesh!" which quickly turned into an "AAAAAAAAAAUGH!" of terror when we saw Tilda Swinton. *shudders*

 Mickey Rourke

Best Dressed Man: Mickey Rourke looked extremely classy. I also loved Will Smith, but he’s always hot no matter what.


Worst Dressed Man: Philip Seymour "I’m in the Irish Mafia" Hoffman.


 I don’t think I have a poll in me after this spewage of consciousness. However, feel free to post your thoughts below for the purpose of bitter, hair-yanking debate. 🙂